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fuck.

Christmas sucked. Yesterday sucked. Today ended up sucking.

Will this never end? I am so hopeless.

Looking foward to the future.

Once again, we'll see where things go with Rob and I. Maybe I can put the past in the past and move on. Hopefully this time we can get it right. I'm positive about it. I love Rob.


Carolyn turns 7 months old on Saturday. Wooooow. Time flies by. Shes crawling, pulling herself up to a standing position, babbling away, laughing, smiling, playing, eating solids (baby foods are solids people. lol). Madi is changing into a real little person and losing that baby look. She talks and talks and asks questions and is so eager to learn. WOW. I remember when Madi first started walking! I love Rob for making me into a Mother. What a blessing having two gorgeous, healthy little girls is.

The new Season of True Blood starts this Sunday, June 14th!! Oh MG! It seems like forever away... ahhh! I really, really love that show!


3 more months until Rob comes for two weeks of R+R. It's been 6 months since he's left. I've done okay so far, but I'm starting to feel the seperation starting to get to me. I'm lonley and sad that he isn't here to see all the little things that Carolyn is doing and the major mile stones she's making. Other than that I'm handling it well.

Tomorrow I get weighed in with the trainer. Grandma has been watching Carolyn while I go to the gym. It's an amazing break for me and I'm really working to get my body back from my pregnancy. I'm on my way and that's what matters.

Peace for now.

Fucked over and over

I don't even know where to begin. I'm hurt, broken, lost, ashamed, angry, can't sleep.. I could go on. What's the point? I have no idea truly what I want to do. Please God, help.

Aug. 26th, 2007

I've been very unhappy over the past month or so I think. I didn't invision my life being this way or putting up with so much bullshit from my husband's ex. Everyone I talk to tells me to toughen up and not let her words get to me. How can I do that? I'm extremly hurt by the things she's said and the comments her friends left in that blog. Then I keep getting, "well she does have a point - she doesn't have to let you the baby." DUH! I already know that, but why does everyone have to insist on adding to the negativity?! I've had very little positive feed back from this, and I'm feeling like I AM doing something wrong. I know I shouldn't have made those few snide comments. I knew it when I said them. I tried to save it before it went as far as it did with suggesting that her and I sit down and TALK. I didn't realize how childish and how much of a pussy she really is. I've vented over this a lot the past couple of days. I'm going to try and make this my last time. This SHIT with Lisa has put a lot of strain on Rob and I's relationship. He doesn't like me saying that, but it's true! He hasn't been much help lately either.. Rob has done little to be emotionally supportive for me. He feels helpless since he's not here, but once again, where's the positive feed back? All he can muster up to say is that I've been doing a good job taking care of his daughter. I only keep her for like two days out of the week when I don't have anything major to do. Of course I'm going to do a good job, I can just focus on her. I don't feel like him and I are as close as we were before. I feel like we are drifting apart. I'm so clingy and needy right now and he just keeps ignoring it. I don't know if he is doing as much as he can or not. I'm at a loss. Most of the time I can't even put in to words how I feel or make much sense of my emotions so I don't know what I'm even talking about. Look at how scatter brained I always am. I feel too many things at once and jump from one topic to the next to the next. How can I correct this? I guess the bottom line comes back to, I must be doing something wrong because everyone around me giving me feed back has had something negative to say about my end of the situation. That hurts me just as much as the things Lisa (Rob's ex) has said about me in her blog on myspace. So not fucking cool. Now I'm doubting myself and every single thing I do. I'm depressed. I feel inadaquete. I just want to crawl into bed and never get out.

Time goes by way to quickly!

Two and a half more weeks until Rob goes to boot camp. I'm going to miss him while he's gone even though I keep saying I'll be just fine. Six months is a long time! I feel like it's just come up so quick. Ahh!

In other news, my birthday is on Monday. I'm going to be a full twenty-two years old. Where did it all go? hahaha. This is going to be my first birthday away from my imediate family. I'm a little sad about it to be quite honest. Then I feel like I'm being selfish because I keep wondering if I'm going to receive any gifts! I have gotten a birthday card (thank you Erin!). It made me smile. Awww.

Sometime next week I'm signing up for community college. I have to take a placement test and then figure out what classes I can do. I'm considering taking one or two general math/english courses to start with since I haven't really applied my brain in a couple of years. Depending on how much job situation is looking, I may even go full time in the fall. I feel good about it, and I'm excited! It'll keep me really busy while Rob is away.

As far as the weekend goes, I have lots of plans. Going to have my step daughter, going to a college graduation party, Sunday is Mother's Day, etc.

How is everyone that still comes on here and reads this thing??

-Katie Lingerfelt.

Took this off a MySpace Bulletin

she was only 5 and never loved...
Body: Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic


Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair


She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound


Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endore


A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?


But she grabs her bear
And softly crys
She loves her parents
But they want her to die


She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"Please God, why is
My life always sinking? "


Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did


Then one night
Her mom came home high
And the poor child was beaten
As hours went by


Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made


She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless peice of shit!


The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dieing
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying


Police showed up
At the small little house
Then quickly barged in
Everything quiet as a mouse


One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the little girl
Lieing dead on the floor


It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms


A child dies every day from child abuse.
And if you have an ounce of pity in you for Auroura (the little girl),
and you hate child abuse with a passion,
you will repost this and help out those abused children,
and let them know that someone cares for them.
It doesn't take that long only about 10 seconds
so please just do it.

she was only 5 and never loved ...

if you dont repost this your a lazy, cold hearted person

Bad News - Sad Katie

I miscarried on Sunday. Easter is my favorite holiday, but I don't think it's going to be anymore. There can't be anything worse than having your unborn child bleed out of you, and not being able to do anything about it. You bleed, you hurt, and then there's no more - no more funny little mood swings, no more sore swelling boobies, no more cravings, no more excitement and anticipation. I'm left with anxiety, depression, numbness, laziness, and lack of appetite. I haven't been to work at all this week. Sometimes I'm perfectly fine because I put on this cheesy ass fake smile and pretend like everything is okay. It's not healthy for me to do that, but who wants to be around someone thats in shambles three days later? You think I would be able to pick myself back up, but I can't. I'm STILL bleeding. Every time I go potty it's like a constant reminder, "Hey look! Your body killed your baby!" I'm going to have to go back to the hospital if it doesn't stop. There could be something wrong. I hope everyone else had a good holiday.

Happy Happy

Today I just love being pregnant. I love my unborn child. I love Rob. I love you.

I finally feel excited about being pregnant and having a baby. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong or feel embarrassed. I'm just over whelmed with joy. Thank you Jesus I don't have morning sickness. Or at least not yet! I finally have my residency, and now I'm sending out the forms to get insurance. It's only going to take a week to get everything back, and then I can go see the doctor! HOORAY! I'll know now if our baby is okay. :)Now, if I could stop forgetting EVERYTHING I would be just fine.

My office here at work has been a complete disaster area. They took part of my office away to make room for a larger server. We're going to have a T1 connection. How sweet??
I like the way my office looks and feels. It's smaller, but comfy. It's actually more organized. Everything has it's own little place now. I'm still in the process of putting everything back in, but I know where everything is going to go.

I love you! Bye now!

Everything is Changing

I almost don't even know where to begin. The previous months have just been a whirl wind. I picked up and moved from Florida all the way up to Maryland. I'm in a relationship that's going very fast, but it doesn't even scare me. It just feels right. Just started a new job. I feel so much more focused now. No more drugs, no more excessive partying. I am actually happy with myself. Finally I'm not letting anything control me. I have plans- good ones too. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm okay and doing well. Surprise, Surprise- I'm a step mother...sorta? I don't really know what you'd call me. Daddy's girlfriend Katie? Yeah, Rob (my boyfriend) has a one year old girl. Her name is Madilynn. She's cute as butterflies (LOL). I'll post more soon. I'm at work.. our server is down!
-=MeatStepMommyKatie=-

Jul. 19th, 2006

Surprise!
Yes it's true, I'm still alive.

My life is actually going pretty damn well as of late. I'm stupid and have been partying too much lately, but otherwise I'm good. I love my life.

Being single isn't so bad except I'm totally stuck on this really hot guy named Matty. We haven't been speaking lately but he calls my friends to check up on me and last week he so conviently stopped drove by my house. Of course I was outside and had to say hello. I dont understand boys at all.

Anyways.. I still have two jobs. I'm working for the interior designer still and now I'm waitressing at Cracker Barrel in Vero Beach. Hah. It's money in the pocket and it keeps me out of trouble.

Well, I dont know what else to say so I'm going to go now. I love you all and miss you very much -OH! Before I go.... I've finally heard from Andrew. weird...it was weird.

-=MeatKatie=-